Darkness. In the abyss, trying to claw my way out, but I don’t know how. The hook sinks into the space between my lower ribs, the fluttering warning begins, and the hook sinks deeper, dragging me further into the hole. My heart starts racing, my breaths become shorter and more rapid, the ache grows, I start to shake, and my lips start to tingle. Deeper, deeper…

Anyone battling depression and anxiety can relate. You might wake up feeling okay. Today is brighter, you can appreciate the birdsong and the sunshine, or the rain pattering the roof is music, a reminder that the rain has a purpose.

But the tiniest thing can trigger that sinking feeling, that “pulling” feeling in your abdomen that threatens to drag you into that deep, dark place. Sometimes it isn’t anything specific, just a feeling that washes over you, the shaking begins and you lose control, sobbing for “no apparent reason.”

Other days you wake up in that pit. Getting out of bed requires more effort than climbing Mount Everest, the weight of the covers is too great to wrestle off, getting out of bed is impossible, an entire day trapped under that weight, that feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, and that you’ve completely lost your mind.

According to a May 17, 2023 Gallup poll, 29 percent of adults in the US have been diagnosed with depression in their lifetime and 17.8 percent currently have or are being treated for depression. Clinical depression is typically lifelong. Situational depression, depression that is caused by a traumatic event, and will likely recede in time, effects roughly 2 percent of the population.

Unfortunately, there are still stigmas behind anxiety and depression. While there is a greater understanding, especially for those who have clinical depression, most people don’t fully grasp what it means to battle the illness. And, the church, while it isn’t as taboo as it once was, often doesn’t know how to handle those in their congregations who are battling it. There are still those who believe that the depressed just lacks faith. “Pray through it!” “You need to trust God!” “Take your thoughts captive!” and while I agree that it’s important to pray, trust, and watch your thoughts, it isn’t as easy as people make it sound. Sometimes, even when you trust the Lord, you need help.

My life crashed over a year ago. Major life issues sent my life spiraling out of control – my marriage of 20 years ending, the loss of many friends, loss of my financial security, the loss of the life I had. I’m not going to go into the details as to why it happened, they aren’t important, but to say that it was unexpected (though looking back over the years, I should have expected it), is an understatement. No one gets married to get divorced and you never expect to be starting your life over when you reach my age.

The psychological fallout was devastating.

I knew I’d experience sadness and the sense of loss, but I was unprepared for the dark, hopeless state I described in the opening paragraph. Day after day, week after week of it – desperation sent me to a psychiatrist.  I felt like I was losing my mind. Moderate Depression. Moderate to severe Anxiety. PTSD – the depression and anxiety were situational, but the PTSD a result of childhood sexual abuse coupled with the events of the past year and a half. I was shocked by the diagnosis.

And unfortunately, while therapy helped, it didn’t just go away. To say that there are good days and bad days is an understatement.  I had such horrible panic attacks that I couldn’t work, a new experience for me. I would start shaking while driving down the road, and I would have to pull over and pray and/or call someone I could trust to talk me through it. I have 3 or 4 trusted friends and a couple of family members (my son and his wife are absolute treasures!), people I can trust who understand and don’t judge, that I know I can call anytime I’m having an attack.

It takes therapy and time, the Lord and prayer. Over a year since the onset, and I’m having more good days than bad.

And miracles do happen. Last Sunday was one of my bad days, the anxiety so great I found myself sobbing in my living room. I turned on YouTube to listen to worship music, praying that it would help me to focus on God and not the anxiety. A video started that was a livestream for a prophetic ministry in South Africa. During the worship, I felt a weight lift and as soon as the worship was over, the speaker said that he had a vision of a woman who had been on her knees begging God for deliverance from depression and anxiety, and he described exactly what I had experienced, saying that God was lifting the depression. The words spoken seemed to be just for me. I felt so much lighter. I was on my face, crying with joy.

Psalm 40:1-3, “I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.”

I knew I was free. I shared the experience with one of my trusted friends. She shared my joy then prayed with me, asking God to help me to stay out of that pit, going so far as to pray that on the days the enemy of my soul would try to drag me back in, a net would be in place to keep me from falling in.

Today, I was caught by that net, my morning starting in that dark place. I was on the phone sobbing with another friend, asking them to please pray because I was again feeling that weight, like I had been emotionally cut and was bleeding out. I was scared. They promised to pray and we hung up. I closed my eyes and cried out to God, feeling the darkness starting to surround me and remembered the “net,” reached out to God and allowed Him to pull me out. The weight lifted and I have been free the rest of the day. I know that I am on my way to total freedom.

Freedom takes time, trusted friends, therapy, sometimes meds, and God at work. For some, it may take several years to be free. For others, it may takes months. For those who are clinically depressed or have an imbalance, the miracle of medicine may be the only way to stay out of the pit. But however long it takes, and whatever way God uses, there is a light on the other side. And you can come out of the darkness.